Where am I at today…..now…

Thinking out loud

This is what I want, I want it all…

It’s been a VERY long nine, going on ten months….
My journey over these past several months has caused me to look at all
of my relationships, and only keep those that are important and fix the ones that were broken.

When Tish(Mixer) and I broke up, I tried to date. The first one right after, I meet the woman for coffee, she was seemingly nice, then went onto a tirade against Donald Trump, I’m not a fan, but I don’t talk politics, especially on a first date. I asked her to stop repeatedly and she refused, so I did something I had never done before in my life, I stood up, turned and walked directly to my car, got in and left.

The second women we dated for about three weeks, she was a admitted drunk, a very sweet one. But, she would start drinking in the morning and throughout the rest of the day. She couldn’t ever drive to my house because she was always so hammered. Then during the third week, she had her old boyfriend come over, they had only been broken up for a month. He came over at midnight to do his wash, then spent the night. Yes, she told me about it, after the fact, and it was to close to what I had gone through with Tish. I wished her the best and walked away. I hear from her occasionally, when she wants dating advice.

After that, I told myself I’m just not ready to do this again, and that’s pretty much were I have been the past eight or nine months.

I also looked at my friendships, I had a female friend that I was always doing things for. When her Boyfriend refused to help her move she called me up around 6pm and asked me to help and of course I did. There was no offer of pizza or beer to entice me to help lol or anything for that matter to help her move. I took her and her son to Del Mar fair because she told her son hadn’t been since he was five years old, so I took them both on my dime, not even a thank you. When her birthday rolled around I had another friend contact and asked if there was anything I could do for her because no one was celebrating her birthday with her, of course I said yes and took her out to eat, then grocery shopping and bought her and her son girl scout cookies. Then every time we hung out drinking I paid for it all and food after. She never showed any appreciation for anything I did, nothing. It was ok, until my birthday rolled around, she knew what day it was and she couldn’t spend ten seconds to send me a text to tell me happy birthday. I tried to talk to her about it, but she was always unavailable. I saw what she was doing (even as a plutonic friend) for what it was, she was using me. I ended the friendship. It’s normal that people want to be appreciated.

These days, when I don’t have my 8 year old son, I’m usually at home or working out. I’m not dating because I know I’m broke from what Tish put me through. I know it’s not entirely her fault now, I don’t hate her, I don’t hate anyone. If Tish needed help I would still help, but at arms length and with eyes-wide-open.

So, what do I want?
I want to be in love,
I want to be with that special woman,
Slow dancing with her, looking into her eyes
Singing to her
Then telling her how much I love her.

To me, that’s a pipe dream for now – very much out of my reach.

It’s ok, I enjoy the time on my own, I do love me, and put all of my boundaries back and won’t let anyone friend or lover, cross them again. It’s just not going to happen.

I’ve worked hard on repairing my relationship with my sons mom, it was very bad for a long time. She’s now my biggest supporter, but sadly she has Stage Four Lung Cancer and I’m doing everything I can to help her and her boyfriend. I’m working on repairing my relationships with my daughters that took a big hit from the divorce.

I have gone though therapy and relationship counseling to get some of myself back. It’s been a journey to say the least and me putting this all out there is the end of that journey.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will be on my own for the rest of my life and I’m finally ok with that. I do still want to be in love, but it wont happen.

Lastly, I want to say this.
Patricia(Tish) Day Mixer I do forgive you for your trespasses, I made a lot of mistakes too and I own them. I can’t judge you because that’s not my place.

Tish, I want you to be very happy,
I want you to have all your dreams come true,
I want you to be in love with a man that will give you everything in your dreams….

Well folks that’s my story…

Peace,
Steve

“Cheating” in a relationship..

We all know what cheating is in a relationship, don’t we?

At what point though can you call out your significant other as a cheater?
What I mean, is that if you have only been dating for two or three weeks or even a couple of months and they are continuing to see other people and having sex with them are they cheating on you?
OR
Regardless, of how long you have been dating is it when you first have sex with them, then does it become exclusive?
OR
Is it only cheating after you both agree you are exclusive? You have had the talk.

I have been married twice and had other relationships and we have never had the talk about being exclusive. It was never and issue because we both knew that we were only seeing each other. If you are dating someone, there is the OTHER talk you two need to have, “Are you both going to continue to date others?” YES, you have to have this talk, I’ve read here and there, that when you first start dating someone, you have to ASSUME, they are dating others. NO, no you don’t have to assume anything, we ALL know when you assume, you make and ASS out of U and ME! Assuming causes heartbreak and unneeded drama, my god, what has happened to communication?
In my opinion, and we all know what opinions are like, is that I don’t care if you are dating others, up to the point we become physical, yes, SEX. Even using protection, which is not 100% safe. I don’t want to be sleeping with the other men or women that you are sleeping with, because that’s what you are doing. In addition, you are putting my life in jeopardy of STDs or even Aids, because you can’t keep you clothes on. That the ultimate, selfish act! If you pass something onto me that seriously affects my life, it will affect my children’s and my family’s life. Not to mention, if you are sleeping with multiple people you are showing a total disregard for you own children and your own family.
To be honest, I have dated multiple women at one time and its hard to juggle, as well as expensive. And it NEVER ends well for anyone.

If you want to date two or three people at the same time, YOU need to tell your partners and get their buy in, both of them or three and the cat. If you, aren’t talking to them, then you are lying to them. So, you end up being called a liar and a cheat. YOU need to give your partners the opportunity to get out while they can. I haven’t done the dating multiple women thing in decades because I learned I don’t want the drama and I don’t want to hurt anyone.

With TISH (Mixer) she never had the talk with me or the other guy, so she told me after she divulged what was happening last November 2016. We never agreed to be friends with benefits – that’s another talk you would have to have. We never talked about dating different people and we had sex plenty of times over the past several months. YES, she was sleeping with both of us and she was endangering our lives, I know I didn’t use protection, and obviously she knew too. The other man she was seeing didn’t become aware of me until the first blog back in late February 2017! This was ALL about her selfishness and not considering others, she lacked as still does EMPATHY.

We were discussing cheating once after she divulged what was going on and she didn’t see it as cheating. She said that when she goes on dates, even first ones, that she holds hands with them, kisses them (not on the check either) because all men deserve that, even if she never intended to see them again. I did my best to explain that she was leading them on then. She didn’t see it that way. She went on to say that even with her plutonic male friends she would hold their hands and kiss them (kissing as in dating type kissing), even if she was in a relationship with someone she would do that. I tried to explain that people can and will see that as cheating, she said I was crazy, that all women do what she does. I told her, not that I’m aware of, LOL..that I’m sure that all of my guy friends would call you a cheater if you’re out there holding hands and making out with another guy.
She also felt, that it was perfectly acceptable to spend the night at another mans house while dating another man, a male plutonic friend or old boyfriend. She felt that the man she was dating had no say in what she did and it was no big deal. Again, NO EMPATHY, to me these were all cheating!
It got to the point, because she talked more and more about it, that I started to question my own perception of what cheating was, this is gas lighting. I started googling what cheating was, I asked all of my female and male friends what their version of cheating was. I could NOT find one person to agree with what she was doing, everyone, even the comments about cheating that were all online, agreed that she was cheating. I didn’t find one person that agreed, in fact, most people thought that holding hands with someone else. For instance if you are walking and holding hands with another man/woman while you are involved with someone else is a form if intimacy.
That last in-person conversation I had with Tish in April 2017 circled around to this subject once again, we were having dinner at Gordon Biersh, she reached over ( we were sitting next to each other) to hold my hand and I pulled it away. Her response, “was oh yeah I’m not supposed to do that.” She told me a few minutes earlier that she was once again dating the other guy. I told her it was inappropriate, and said in my opinion, now that once again she had disclosed that she was back with him, that we shouldn’t be having dinner. She reached over again to hold my hand, and I let her. Yeah, yeah stupid me, I know. Later on we would be out in the parking lot hugging and kissing….
A week later I walked away without a word…primarily because we had talked about boundaries, which she agreed too. But, within a week she had once again ignored mine. I told her about it too…but it didn’t really matter, cuz she NEVER really cared about me.

Tish had told me that one of her previous relationships that she found out the guy was cheating on her. She was, while they were dating, spent a lot of time with him during the week and weekends. She felt there was something wrong and one day was able to check his cell phone and found the messages from the other woman. She told me that it had affected her so badly that she wasn’t sure that she could ever have another relationship. Let that sink in for a moment…
She had all sorts of problems with him cheating….but when it came to cheating on me she had NO PROBLEM with it, she tried to rationalize it away then try to convince me it was ok. No, it’s never ok….never….

No Contact, Silent Treatment and the VICTIM!

You can find all sort of answers on what No Contact or Silent Treatment mean in regards to relationships. They mostly apply to toxic relationships and if you are googling this information to try and find out what they are, what to do, then odds are you are in a toxic relationship and are trying to find a way out.

It’s very difficult to find your way out of a toxic relationship, I’m living proof of that and it affects both men and women. However, you mostly hear women complaining about it.

NO Contact vs. Silent Treatment –
Depending on who you ask or the article you dig up determines the viewpoint. Essentially, the person that has been abused goes NO CONTACT and the person that does the abusing gives the SILENT TREATMENT. Not to say that the person doing the abusing can’t go NO CONTACT and the one being abused can’t give the SILENT TREATMENT. However, the silent treatment is considered an abusive tactic and no contact isn’t. Both tend to be somewhat subjective.
Yet, everything that I have read all agree both are very hard for the person that was abused to go no contact. Whereas the person that has done the abusing finds it easy to go no contact or the silent treatment because they NEVER really cared about you to begin with and that’s where the issue is.

THEY NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT YOU!!! So, it’s easy for them to NOT talk to you via text, email or phone. Generally, the person who has done the abusing claims they are the NO CONTACT, because they still can’t admit to themselves they ever did anything wrong. Even when evidence such as texts, emails and pictures show they did.

This is where the VICTIM mentality comes in, the abuser will claim they are the victim, they will point out to their family and friends your crazy actions, the drama you are causing. The reality of the situation they are only telling those near them or paint the picture with what they want them to hear. They will never tell them what they did to cause the drama in the first place.
In almost all cases the person being abused is reacting to the drama that was caused by the abuser.

For instance, about eight or nine months into whatever Tish and I had, I posted on Facebook pictures of her and I. No I didn’t ask her if it was ok, I didn’t think I needed too. She told me she’s very private and doesn’t like people posting pictures of her. She called me up immediately when she saw them and said our whatever it was is over with and to take down the pictures. She was YELLING and CUSSING me out over the pictures, something that I thought was a harmless event. Once again I was stunned, she could have simply asked me to take them down instead of the ass-chewing she gave me and the breaking up. This is the DRAMA she made up, there was a simple solution, speak to me like and adult, no threats, no breakup, etc…but no she went hole-hog. It then occurred to me that since we were breaking up, I didn’t need to take the pictures down…what was she going to do breakup with me??? And I told her that, then her attitude changed a hundred percent, she literally went from yelling to being very nice. The pictures of were me and her at a 10k race together, a beautiful photograph of her, flowers that I had given her, that was it.
Truth be told, this was her trying to HIDE me from the guy she was seeing, he had NO idea she was seeing me on the side and the pictures would have ruined it for her. This was unnecessary drama, and she plays the VICTIM.

According to Tish her daughters didn’t want to meet me because of the arguments Tish and I were having. One moment I’m very happy about where we are at and the next moment I’m angry at her. Her daughters didn’t know me, their entire frame of reference was what Tish told them. Tish never told them, as I found out later, that she was seeing two men at least, that she would ghost me for days or even weeks at a time. That she never paid for anything or even offered, her daughters assumed that all of the normal things were going on. But, Tish only told them what she wanted them to hear, which made me look bad so she could play the victim.

Almost every time we broke up Tish went into the Silent Treatment to punish me for calling her out on her bad behavior. That’s generally a sign of a toxic person that when you call them out, they lash out (claim to be the victim) and then punish you for seeing who they really are. Most NORMAL people accept criticism, they are always open to bettering themselves and care about how their partner sees them. It’s called COMMUNICATION! In normal relationships people understand that neither are perfect and we all make mistakes. The toxic person will seldom if ever admit they were wrong or made a mistake, it’s always you, your the one misunderstanding or the one who made the mistake. And if by the grace of god they admit it, it will only be words with NO ACTION to back it up, they will either make no effort to fix what they did or make a half ass effort, they just don’t care. YES! There were times I broke it off and stopped talking to her, however, I never blocked her, I was always there if she reached out and would respond. With her it was always no response, until she was ready to talk to me and that happened a lot. That’s another sign of a toxic person, talk to you when they want too. It doesn’t do any good to reach out to them they will ignore it, no contact or silent treatment, then one day (as with Tish) after I had tried to contact her usually via email, she would out of the blue text me. I would respond, as always, she would respond back after a bit, never right away, and we would have a nice conversation. However, it got to the point where when we ended that texting session, I NEVER knew when I was going to hear from her again, I would text the next day, no answer, email no answer. There were times when she would text me about things and I was blocked, meaning when I responded she wouldn’t get the responce, which she knew so the conversation could only go one way.
This is the DRAMA they create and then blame you for it.

Around my birthday mid July 2016 Tish and I had stopped seeing each other sometime after July 6, 2106. We had spent the entire 4th of July week and weekend together. After that she disappeared again, I sent her a text around the 10th of July and told her, that if she couldn’t find time for me on my birthday to please please leave me alone, don’t come back anymore…I didn’t get a response. Then on July 14th, 2016 at around 10pm I get a couple of texts from her stating that she wants to see me on my birthday the next day. I sent a text back immediately telling her ok, and asked what time and when. I NEVER heard back from her, until we ran into each other at the beginning of August 2016. When we ran into each other at Miramar Lake, she never mentioned my birthday the entire time, the year and a half almost never even apologized for what she did. This is the Drama she created then blames me for my negative reaction to what she did. After August 2016 is another story.

Depending on what side of the fence you are on will depend on the definition of no contact or silent treatment you go through. I have NEVER given Tish the silent treatment and have NEVER been able to successfully execute no contact for longer than six months, it has always been spotty. When I do break no contact it’s with an email, and I don’t place any significance on it because she has never or very seldom responded to any email in almost two years now.

I’m healing and this is helping me tell my story, I hope it resonates with someone and they learn from it. I hope you NEVER have to go through what I have and granted I accept responsibility in it all and have apologized for my own actions, the damage done to me by her, I feel is not repairable …

A relationship retrospective

I’m NOT above looking back at any relationship and see what I did wrong and do my best to admit it and attempt to fix the wrong. I feel it’s the only way to grow as a person truly. We are all human, and because of that, we ALL make mistakes. When Tish and I broke up, I was a huge emotional mess, and yes I’m a man. Many of you reading these might say I’m still not over it, and you may not be wrong. I’m open to that, but I am trying t fix me…

Ok, here it goes…
With Tish, all of the red flags were there the entire way. Our first date was in Mid- February 2016, we went out again in early March. A couple of weeks later she contacted me and said had started dating another man, that she had known him for a couple of years and he recently became single. I thought no harm, no foul and wished her well. In my experience, when that happens the two people go their own separate ways, and I did. A couple of weeks later I started getting text messages from her, mostly general in nature; she was just looking for someone to chat with. The man she was seeing, she said, wasn’t much of a talker and he doesn’t call or text after 7 pm during the week (that should have been her red flag, and I told her so, but she ignored it). We text back and forth for a week or so, I told her I wasn’t going to be her chat buddy, and unless she was willing to break it off with him and date me, we were done chatting. I was starting to get to close.
We were supposed to get together late March, I was doing the bay-bridge run, and I needed someone to watch my son (she had never met him at that point). She agreed to watch him while I ran, then he would go to his moms, and we would hang out the rest of the day. A few days before the race she canceled telling me she couldn’t do it because she was dating the guy. But, she would still watch my son while I ran. I thanked her and said no, I didn’t want to introduce my son to someone he would never see again. So, I didn’t make the run….but I was astounded to someone that told me they would be there for me, made plans and then cancels at the last minute, but still wants to meet my son…

BIG RED FLAG

We didn’t talk again until Mid-April when she started texting me again to see how I was. I always text everyone back, its who I am, I’ve never blocked anyone in my life, and I’m not going to start doing it now. During this course of chat, she said she really wanted to see me; I said ok, then the night before we were supposed to meet, she canceled because she said she was dating the other guy. I just laughed and said ok, but I asked her to please never contact me again.
RED FLAG
A week or so later she texts me again, we chatted, made another date and then, again, she canceled the day before for the same reason. I was furious this time and told her so and begged for her to leave me alone.

It’s my fault that I IGNORED the Red Flags…I should not have returned any text messages….

In May, I think it was, she contacts me ( I get the dates mixed up) and says her daughter is in the hospital. I can tell she is very upset, we talked, and she told me the guy she’s dating told her he couldn’t be there for her, so she broke it off. She then contacted me and yes I was there for her, telephone calls, keeping her busy with dinners, and she stayed at my home, etc…
She told me that she couldn’t wait for her daughter to be out of the hospital so we could spend more physical time together. I was very happy now at how all of it was unfolding….two weeks later she’s back with her boyfriend, she calls me from the restaurant to tell me and that I had made up the part where she told me that she wanted to be together with me. I was DEVASTATED…I had no frame of reference; NO ONE had ever did something like this to me.
I have a wonderful imagination, but not like that, how in the world would I make up something like her saying, “I broke up with him, I only want to be with you now, etc…” I sent her several VERY long texts that night asking what kind of person does what she just did. LONG texts messages. HUGE FUCKING RED FLAG. The next day she contacted me and said she was sorry and came over and spent the next couple of days with me. But, come that Thursday through the following Monday she disappeared. She reappeared Tuesday evening….sending me a text like everything was OK. She said she was with her daughter’s ages 19, 21 and 26 and that’s why she couldn’t contact me. At the time I believed her…later on, I would find out it was all a lie. This would be very common behavior by her over the next year.

I even took her shopping for clothes once at the International Mall in San Ysidro; it was myself her and my son. She had no problem taking the clothes I bought for her. But, by the end of the next week, she disappeared again.

OK, if you have been following the other blogs you would know there was more.

I SCREWED UP!! I was letting her do this to me; I should have run away and never looked back, I was letting her disrespect me and walk all over my boundaries.

When she was exhibiting this type of behavior, I would send her long texts asking here where she was and what was going on. I would call a few times a day to try to see if she was ok, but never got responses. Again, I found out later she was with another guy, spending the weekends at his house. This is after us dating after four months; she would just disappear. She only made time for me when they weren’t together. I SCREWED UP; I should have never allowed myself to be put in a secondary position to anyone. No one should do that to you, but I have learned people will treat you badly and walk all over you if you let them. I know it’s a generalization and I honestly believe most people aren’t like that, but some EVIL people will take advantage of you. Please keep in mind this is a 52-year-old woman, not a teenager or in their 20’s or even 30’s.

I never really blew up her phone with calls or texts, not until late Feb – March 2017. I had complained to her that she never did anything for me. During the summer of 2016, she said she bought me a nice bottle of wine and wanted to give it to me. She then told me a few days later that her daughter drank it and she would get me another one. She didn’t….
I bought up the incident in late Feb. 2017 and so she said she now has a very special bottle of wine that she had picked up in Maui sometime ago for me. We were broken up at the time; I told her I appreciated the gesture but what was the point we are broken up. That gift is meant to be drunken with that special person that gave it to you. I relented let her give it to me. We once again made up in March 2017, and you can read the earlier blogs about that fiasco. By then I was blowing up her phone with text messages and telephone calls. She promised me no more ghosting and that she was really done this time with her boyfriend, but she wasn’t. So I was still being ghosted, and she was still with him.
We broke up again, at her insistence, OK.I was all for that…however, by now I was so screwed up by everything I didn’t know if I was coming or going and found I couldn’t break off contact and nor could she. I complained again, about why would you give me the bottle of wine if we weren’t dating and that she never did anything for me. She then asked to take me out to lunch to make up for it; I asked her why we aren’t dating. She said they had broken up again, so I relented. We meet for lunch at a nice restaurant for lunch, which was in Fashion Valley – San Diego. It was a nice lunch until she told me they were back together again. I asked her why she was here then, she got mad at me, stood and started to walk away from the lunch, why was she there, and she didn’t tell him about it. She sat back down, and we finished the very now tense lunch. I tried to explain to her; my complaints were against when we were dating, I never agreed that we would be friends, so why was she here, she knew I wanted a relationship. We walked through the mall after lunch trying to resolve the issue, but it didn’t work, so I walked her back to her car.
Another week passed, and I reached out to her to see if she was OK, which ended up leading to the $425.00 date, which she agreed was actually a date.
We saw each other a couple more times after that date; she kept telling me now that she really wanted to try and fix things.
Then one Sunday afternoon, she calls and says she’s on her way over and wanted to share that bottle of wine. I was all happy about that…turns out, she wanted to have that bottle of wine to break up with me AGAIN! LOL…
Then she decided she only wanted a month break, which is still breaking up…as I know now. We agreed we would stay in contact and that there would be no dating anyone else for the thirty-day break. I SCREWED UP!! I believed her once again. She broke up because she found another guy…I flooded her phone with texts and phone calls.
Then one morning I woke up and recognized I was now out of control, this wasn’t me at all!!! I stopped all contact altogether and just walked away…

I didn’t have enough respect for myself; I let her treat me like a doormat. I saw the Red Flags but ignored them. My GUT was telling me everything about it was wrong, but I ignored it. Then as time went on I started to be that person I hated, but I couldn’t get out, why do women stay in toxic relationships? It’s because they are so hard to get out of.

I have no idea if Tish treats other guys like she did me, using the hell out of them, or maybe she just did it to me.

BTW, that special bottle of wine from Maui, it can be picked up at any Vons here in San Diego. I was at my local Vons one day looking for a nice bottle and stumbled on the one she gave me. I asked the staff how long they had been selling it, they told me years, and you can get it pretty much at any Vons.

In March 2017, I felt so bad about the original blog calling her out I bought her a beautiful charm bracelet at Jared Jewelry (yes, he went to Jared’s). The charms consisted of one for her daughters, running – she loves running, her birth stone and a couple of others. Then (on the same night) took her out to dinner at Eddie V’s in La Jolla. After, we walked a little around La Jolla, then I took her home, dropped her off, she said it was a work night so I couldn’t stay or even come in. This was before the $425.00 date.

The Red Flag here, I recognize that my own bad behavior set me up for the bracelet and dinner, she didn’t ask for it. But, my own conscience got the best of me and I tried to make it up to her. I never got from her that she appreciated the effort.

Her entire statement regarding everything is that she never asked for me to do those things for her. Which is true…but isn’t that what dating and relationships are all about? YOU shouldn’t have to ask someone to do something for you out of caring, love and respect. But, according to her, I’m WRONG!562CB85B-164B-400C-BB18-AA2867A97F85.jpegjaredjaredTwoplaybill

Wrapping my head around it …

GHOSTING in regards to Dating –

The opposite of love isn’t hate; it is indifference. Ghosting, for those of you who haven’t yet experienced it, is having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even a text. Ghosting isn’t new—people have long done disappearing acts—but years ago this kind of behavior was considered limited to a certain type of scoundrel. In today’s dating culture being ghosted is a phenomenon that approximately 50 percent of men and women have experienced—and an almost equal number have done the ghosting.1 Despite ghosting’s commonality, the emotional effects can be devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have fragile self-esteem.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

Gaslighting as in regard’s to dating –

A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity. The classic example of gaslighting is to switch something around on someone that you know they’re sure to notice, but then deny knowing anything about it, and to explain that they “must be imagining things” when they challenge these changes.

A more psychological definition of gaslighting is “an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim – having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Gaslighting

Signs you are being used!

1. They want to keep your relationship a secret – they refuse to introduce you to family and or friends.
2. They never ask you to hang out – You’re the only one asking to hangout, dates, spend time together.
3. You are paying for everything – You are paying for everything, they aren’t even offering. It’s as if they expect it.
4. Refuses to define your relationship – If you have been dating two to three months and he/she won’t define who you are together. Are you boyfriend / girlfriend, just friends, what are you?
5. He/she are only available when they want to be – Relationships are give and take. If you are asking her out and she gives you every excuse in the book why she can’t and it’s an ongoing thing. They never ask you to things. If they respond, “let me check my calendar” – Everyone knows what they are doing. If they can’t make it, do they offer up another day? Or not, if not …
6. They don’t answer your texts and phone calls – We are all busy and we can’t always answer a text message or phone call right away. Yet, how long do they take to return them? There interest in you is directly proportional to how they feel about you. Stating I don’t like to text or talk on the phone is an excuse, not a reason. If they cared about you at all, they would do it for you.
7. Stays in contact with the x she just broke up with – You can see they are texting them, while you are together. First, its disrespectful to you and demonstrates she doesn’t care how you feel. There’s nothing wrong with male friends (if you dating a woman) we all have friends but NOT the x, unless they have been broken up a long time.
8. Ghosting – you just spent Monday and Tuesday together, all indications you two had a great time together. Come Thursday through Monday you can’t get in touch with them. They aren’t answering their phone or texts. Of course if you only started dating a few weeks ago it may not be a big deal. But, if you have been dating for a couple of months or longer, its a problem. BEFORE, you get angry about it, make sure to find out if they are OK first and that there was no emergency, its understandable then. Yet, if this is repeatable behavior from them, its not an emergency.
9. They don’t have your back – In a healthy relationship you take care of each other through good and bad times. They need to protect you as much as you protect them.

These are ALL the signs I actually went through for almost a year and a half, Tish(Mixer) put me through. To include gaslighting. Although I have forgiven her, I still can’t wrap my head around how people can use someone, it’s beyond my ability to really understand.

Life is to short ….

Life is to short for to much drama and people that claim to care for you, but can’t find thirty seconds for you.

Yesterday I spent seven hours pushing my ex-wife in a wheelchair around LEGOLAND with our 8 year old son. My ex-wife has stage four lung cancer and has been through chemo several times. Recently she has been going through it for the past thirteen weeks. For the most part she has been to sick and tired to do much of anything. She does have a fiancé, she’s been engaged to and has lived with for years, but he does work a lot.

My son loved to have his mom there and rode in the wheelchair with her, it was mom mom mom all day long. I was only the engine that did the pushing, making sure she ate and drank and went on what she could with her son. Even though I was very secondary or thirdary…LOL…to the entire event, it was a wonderful day to see them both having so much fun. I went into it expecting nothing, its not like we were dating, I was going to get anything out of it, other then a bit sore from pushing them around. It was all worth it.

After the crisis with Tish, it took me a while to really find my purpose, what really makes me happy, and it was always there. I had that “aha” moment the other day when Tish told me she never texts me back because she doesn’t like to text (are there really women like that?). What she essentially told me, life is all about her (maybe she was only referring to me). She’s so selfish she can’t do anything for anyone else. If you care about someone, or even a caring
human being, you find it in yourself to do it for them. I don’t fault her for not liking texting, I hate it too. But, I’m empathetic to the other person on the other end and not wanting to hurt them, it’s only ten to thirty seconds of my life. Me taking my ex-wife to LEGOLAND was only when all said and done was a day of my life to see them so happy together, it was very worth it.

I don’t even want to be so selfish that I’m only out there for myself and what others can do for me. I want to lead the way to help those that I can, be there for them. There will always be those that take advantage of that, but that says more about them then me. I want to help protect those that I can and help, I think life is to short not too.

I may not like someone, or even hate them, but I can find set it aside to help them if needed, then walk away, they don’t owe me anything. I find that I want more people to be happy and in love far more then myself, which is good and bad. I have one woman that I dated for a few weeks a long time ago, she had a serious drinking problem and I broke it off with her (not Tish). However, there have been times when she would text me out of the blue and she needed someone to talk too, she was very down on her current relationship or life event. I help her, it doesn’t cost me anything but time to be a decent human being. Once she’s ok, I walk away..but she’s ok be go on with her life.

I can’t wrap my head around why and how people treat others that you are supposed to care about like a doormat. I can’t wrap my head around why people use other people, I’m having an issue getting past that, I don’t understand how
people can do that, what type of person does that? These are the same people that complain they can’t find a good man, REALLY? You don’t know why? LOL..

I think I’m done with dating..I’m 58 years old, I don’t want to die alone, I want the companionship. Tish did a lot of damage to me, I’ve forgiven her but that doesn’t mean I’ve recovered from it. Obviously, I haven’t as I’m still writing about it. But, the writing about it helps too, I have nothing to hide and do my best to provide both sides. I admit I did somethings too, but I apologize for them and try to make it up.

I like to give and help, I donate goods and money to help people, If I see something wrong I help, a guy on a motorcycle the other day, clearly drunk ran into the back of my car that was stopped. He fell over, I checked on him first, and got him moved off the road with his bike, then checked my car which was fine.

Life is to short…
I dream of the day where I can be in love again, hold her close, slow dance with her, look into her eyes while gently singing to her. Seems so far way…

Tish Mixer – Narcissist or just mean?

200bb839-9ff8-41b2-a6f7-fcadd1749961

I’m not going to air my dirty laundry here, I want to discuss my journey and how this person has affected my life. I hope to pass on some wisdom and lessons learned.

I don’t know that Tish is a narcissist. I have no proof, before I meet her I didn’t even know what one was, I didn’t know what ghosting or gas lighting was either. Here’s my first piece of advice:

Lesson 1: If you are having problems with the person your dating, in a relationship, boy/girl friend, significant other, etc….
If you are googling or searching for answers about their behavior it’s time to get out. You’ve already gotten to the point where the toxicity has affected you. Please don’t ignore it, your GUT is trying to tell you something. I admittedly ignored it.

I walked away from Tish in April 2017.
In March 2017 I took Tish to see the award winning play, “Kinky Boots” I had never been to a play and I knew she loved them. Prior to that I purchased a bottle of Champagne at her request to celebrate. After the play we headed down to the old Navy Training Center (San Diego) where there was a wine bar. We indulged in various wines, it was glorious. We then wandered around Liberty Station trying samples of food. After that I took her to a beautiful Italian restaurant there and dinner was fabulous. Long story short, we then headed back to her house, she lives or lived with her 26 year old daughter. I don’t know if she lives there anymore, none of my business. She told me I couldn’t come in because her daughter was there (keep in mind that by then Tish and I have been together off and on for almost a year and a half and she had NEVER introduced me to her children or friends).

Lesson 2: After two or three months if that person you have been seeing hasn’t introduced you to anyone there is a good chance, a very good one you are being used. That person is HIDING something and doesn’t want her family and friends to know about you.

So I cant go in the house which I had been on a dozen or more times. We sat in the car talking, she knew I was frustrated at not being allowed in. I had been in the house before when her daughter was there. After a bit she says lets go get a bottle of wine. I’m all for that, LOL, I assumed she wanted it for herself. We get the bottle of wine and I take her back home, she then asks me in for a glass. I was surprised because she had told me earlier no. We go into her home and into her bedroom, open the bottle and drink it. We are also kissing and having a bit of fun too. After we finished the bottle of wine she stands up and tells me I need to now go sleep in off in my car. I was stunned, its about 2am in the morning and very cold outside. And honestly, I had just spent $425.00 on our date. She pointed out that I had no right to expect anything from her regardless of how much money. Ok, point taken, and it’s a valid one. Never give and expect anything back, but here’s the kicker. We had been together off and for almost a year and a half now. At no point did this woman ever pay for anything, never even offered and we were going to four and five star restaurants in town. We would often go out drinking to some very nice places, I bought her gifts and was always very attentive to her wants and needs. However, over the period of time, she NEVER did one thing for me, not one thing, she never gave back into the relationship.

Lesson 3: If you are giving and giving and giving and the person is not reciprocating and I’m not talking about sex, YOU my friend are being used!

So what I got for that $425 date, I got to sleep it off in my car. Am I wrong to be hurt by this behavior? I am always questioning myself on it. I really wanted to show her how much I cared and how fun everything could be, but after a year and a half, all I got was go sleep it off in my car.

I walked away in April after a dinner we had in Mission Valley, yes I paid for it. She asked me, OK what boundary do you want me to abide by? I was taken aback by the question. But, I went along with it, I told her I would like for her to answer my texts and phone calls within lets say 24 hours. I thought that was fair. She agreed. Within a week she had broken that boundary, she had once again disappeared, she was back with her X – boyfriend. To be honest with you, I have NO idea if he was really an X at all, it could have been a new guy or her old boyfriend and they may have never really broken up. She had ghosted me dozen of times, but I always came back.

Lesson 4: If you are being ghosted by the person you are dating, get the hell out! Run and I cant state that enough. That person doesn’t think you are worth thirty seconds of their time. They don’t value you at all. You can be the best person on the planet, but some people will treat you like a doormat.

The previous November 2016 my then 7 year old son was hospitalized twice for pneumonia at children’s hospital here in San Diego. Tish did have somewhat of a relationship with my son. She had meet him several times, she played with him, had breakfast , lunch and dinner with him. She had bought him a gift for the previous Halloween and an advent calendar for Christmas (the irony here is that she never gave me anything). Anyway, I’m at the hospital on my own with my son, I’m scared because he is so sick. I contacted Tish via text and she told me exactly, “Its was NOT her place to get involved,” She bailed on me and my son. My son saw her as his friend, but she couldn’t be there for either of us.
Later on in November 2016 I was diagnosed with Brain Cancer,Grade three, inop. I was shocked and stunned, I was scared and worried. I called Tish and talked to her about it, but she said she couldn’t leave work right then and she needed to give her daughter a ride someplace after work. So, should couldn’t be there for me, she would later tell me she didn’t believe me because I got some of the terminology wrong, which I did, I was freaking out. She bailed out on me when I found out I had cancer. I had to get a note from my doctor prove it to her. But I didn’t get that until January 2017. We did end up spending early December 2016 together at my house. After that she ghosted me again.

Lesson 5: Your friends and significant other have to have your back. They don’t have to be there for your kids but they need to be there for you. When Tish’s daughter went into the hospital in May 2016(Month could be off) I was there for her every step of the way. The guy she was seeing told her it wasn’t his place to help her through it, and that he didn’t want to meet her kids. She came to me and of course I wanted to help. We spent a lot of time together then, I listened to
her, held her, kept her busy, she stayed at my house. Two weeks after her daughter was out of the hospital she went running back to her old boyfriend. In fact, she called me from the restaurant they were at. She told me that she was going home with him and that I had misunderstood her feelings for me. The next day she came over to my house and apologized and stayed for two days.

Lesson 6: Gas Lighting – this is when the other person denies stating what they told you and you know damn well they did. They try to alter the dynamics of the reality to fit their own narrative making you think your crazy, then they talk shit about you to their friends about you. When this happens run run run, I wish I had, but I was blinded by my feeling for her.

Ok there is A LOT more that happened that you just wouldn’t believe LOL…my friends who had a seat front and center for my falling to piece always ask, how can / could you let anyone ever do those things to you. Simple, I loved her and I wanted make sure I did everything I could to make it work.

Lesson 7: Tish was in love with another man the entire time we were seeing each other. He would call and she would come running. He treated her like crap, he was seeing other women on her. Here’s the lesson, Tish NEVER got to know me at one point we were inseparable for two months, but she was still texting him and calling him. He was on her mind 100% of the time, I was NEVER her focus. You cant make anyone see you who for you are if they are in love with someone else, it doesn’t work like that. You have to move on from the person to give the next person that chance, if not it will never work. They also have to cut all ties with their x (not if there are children I get that) but all romantic ties. They cant still be texting them or talking to them and hanging out. First and foremost its disrespectful to you, and if they don’t respect you it will never work.

Since last April 2107 I haven’t dated, I needed to focus on me and fix me. Yes, she broke me but I let her do it. I have to own that.

Why rehash part of this?
Last week an old fried passed from a heart attack, died while surfing and around the same time she had an old friend pass too. Her and I had no contact at all since April. I needed to vent about it, so I sent Tish and email telling her about what happened. Tish had never , well maybe once, responded to any emails in a two years, so I felt I could just vent and feel she had heard me, that’s all I wanted. However, last Tuesday she responded and it was very sweet and heart felt, she explained that one of her friends had passed a week or so ago so she could sympathize with me. It was sweet and I replied in kind. OK, I was fine with that level of contact, it was easy.
If it were only that easy, LOL, that evening around 8pm she sent me a text telling me to sleep well and stupid ME! responded. I empathized with how she felt about losing her friend, then she starts sending me this red hearts telling me how great I am. I said regardless of what happened in the past I would always be there for her as I would anyone, and that’s true I would and I meant it. We talked for a few hours nothing really specific.
The next day I sent her a text to see how she was doing, no reply, I waited until the next day tried again, no reply. I recognized that she was going down the ghosting role again. In that two years she would occasionally text me out of the blue when we were broken up and when I replied back she would ignore me. I wasn’t going to have any of this again and I emailed her and told her so. That I appreciated her email, but she should not be texting me if she wont return them. I put my foot down. I essentially told her that I now recognize that we never dated or were in a relationship over the 1.5 year we were off and on. I was only there when she wanted me to be. I wasn’t going to deal with the silent treatment as some sort of punishment by her. Needless to say a dozen emails went back and forth for four hours. We or I relived the nightmare she put me through.
She has never apologized for any wrongs she did to me, never, she never got to know me, she used the hell out of me that’s for sure.
Folks, Tish really is a good woman, I know that, I think she was lonely, maybe drunk, or both over those two nights this past week. I also think she has issues revolving around who she thinks she is and how her actions define her.
I know she will never apologize to me for cheating on me, ghosting, gas lighting and using me. But, You know I was not totally innocent either, but
I did apologize for my transgressions against her, I told her what they were and that I was wrong and that I was sorry. You know I can only take responsibility for me and I’m ok with that.

This is REALLY more of a commentary on me too. One of the first times Tish and I made love, during it, she could only talk about him, yup during it. Wasn’t that a big enough RED FLAG for me? I honestly thought that if I cared enough, was there for her when the other guy wasn’t, when I was honest and open with her, buying her flowers and gifts. That it would somehow over-ride her feelings for this guy ( I never meet him, I think is first name is James), she said he was Cancer Research Doctor with a PHd that worked out of UCSD Cancer Research Center. I never asked much, I don’t even know if he really exists, it’s entirely possible that she was moving from man to man, I don’t know. I do know the RED FLAGs were there, and I ignored them and that’s on ME.

Lesson 8: Thinking that you will meet the next love of your life while you are still in love with someone else. I think that she believed that if she fell in love with another man, while still dating the one she was in love with, would help her move away from him. Yeah, NO, I return you to lesson 7. You can’t move onto a healthy relationship, until you have moved on from the last one. Take the time to heal and “really” move on.

From February 2016 through April 2017 we were together off and on. It was late November 2016 she finally told me that the only time she was with me, was when she and the other guy were on a break. Once again, I had to look up what a break meant, yes I am that Naïve. I looked it up and asked my female and male friend what they thought it meant. Universally, they all asked how old Tish was, she’s 52, at the time. Each and everyone were astonished that someone of that age was still playing High School games or games that were done in your 20’s. What I learned is that when on a break you are supposed to be re-evaluating your relationship, you come to an agreement of how long that break is going to be and if you are allowed to see other people. Yet, again, I was told by everyone, that breaks don’t work. Mature adults know that you work through the tough times together, that you keep moving forward, if you cant do that what’s the point of a break. Yes, for some people it does work, but overall it’s a nice way to break up with someone, somehow lessoning the pain, it doesn’t it only prolongs it. I have NO idea who called the break between her and the other guy. I do know that once they patched things up, that’s when she would ghost me, per her. For, me that’s just mind boggling, I cant wrap my head around that. Yes, I am male, but I do have feelings, and I did care about her and was there when she needed me. But, to lure someone in while you are on a break and that person you have lured in never told you, and then disappear and not answer text or phone calls. I cant get my head wrapped around that, I cant see how you use someone and discard them.

Lesson 9: If you have to use a break in a relationship, set boundaries, set for how long and if you are allowed to see other people. If you are seeing other people, let them know that you are still with that other guy. Every time she came back she told me they were broken up. Being on a break isn’t broken up. I remember being at a San Diego Aztec game with her and she’s texting him and they are carrying on a full blown conversation, she showed me. I thought it was very disrespectful to me, she eventually stopped. Don’t take breaks, man or woman up and break it off, take time to heal and them move on. Don’t drag anyone into you relationship with the other person. If you two really want to be together you can in the future. Also, odds are the one asking for the break has found someone else and they want to see how it goes before cutting you loose, if it doesn’t work out they come back to you. That’s toxic and that relationship is built on a lie and it going to fail.

OK, after February 2017 is when I really started to fall apart, we had broken up mid January 2017 once again. We ran into each other at the Valentine’s Day Race in Coronado I think the date was February 10 or 11, 2016. We are both avid runners and have several times run into each other. This time we talked for about an hour. A few days later I sent her some flowers at work, she got them according to the florist. Yet, she never said thank you for them. I got very pissed off and that’s when I wrote the first blog which outlined everything she did to me. I only left it up for a day or two, but I made sure everyone saw it. I wanted my side of the story out there. Yes I was being insecure and immature, but also to me fair to me, this is what a narcissists can turn you into. I wanted revenge. To an extent I got it, Tish went ballistic, she’s very VERY concerned about how people see her, she doesn’t want anyone to know what she does, her persona is highly important to her. She literally hunts down any negative messages about her on the internet. She told me that and on hindsight that was another RED FLAG.
The purpose of the first blog was to try and get some of the power back from her that she had taken from me, some sort of control of my life, but I know now that I gave her that power, I gave her that control.
As long as the blog was up she was very attentive towards me, very sweet and kind so I pulled it down, but the threat of it going back up was always there.
She would call me all hours of the day and night complaining about it, my answer was always, well you know I would have had nothing to write about if you hadn’t done those things to me. She never got that, and this is what someone with a personality disorder wouldn’t get, because they cant do anything wrong.
(Once, again I don’t know if she has a disorder of if she was just playing some sort of screwed up game.) Yet, was I now acting any better then her, I literally lowered myself to that level.
Tish would come over to my house yelling at me, throwing stuff at me, hitting me. There was even one time we went for a walk on the beach to talk, she literally jumped up and threw herself on the sand, then said I hit her. People that were around us, to include a sheriff and lifeguard , looked at her like she was crazy, they saw what she did to herself.
She then said ok, she was sorry and would be better, and treat me respectfully. STUPID me! I believed her, after a week she started ghosting me again, Not answering texts or phone calls, So I got new telephone numbers, VOIP, and text her, she responded, I would call, she would answer, so I knew she had lied, once again. HOWEVER, this was bad of me!!!!! I recognized I was really loosing it now, I was getting new telephone numbers to call her. OMG! That isn’t good. I was seriously gone and stopped.

These are the other reasons I finally walked away, I saw that I was losing it, and my behavior was bad. Its not who I am, nor who I want to be.

Lesson 10: There is such a thing as Narcissistic addiction. This is where you have become addicted to the narcissist. You have become so entrenched in them, as long as they continue to treat you bad, you will keep coming back for more. Even the strongest people get drawn into this, once in, you do crazy stuff to try and stay in the toxic relationship. You can get into this passive aggressive frame of mind, your reality has been changed and it’s incredibly difficult to climb out of it.

These are the things about myself that I focused on since last April 2017. I finally forgave her, and sent her an email explaining my journey and apologized for my behavior. Yet, as I have already stated she has never apologized for anything. You know, that’s on her as I have stated, I have made my apologies and I live with the stuff I did everyday. I have my boundaries now set in stone, and I wont let anyone cross them.

I know now that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then be in that type of relationship. It has to be 50/50 – give and take, the person respects you enough to call you back and return your text messages. That they have your back in good times and bad, there is no, “Its not my place”. The other person respects you enough not to text and call their x that they had just broken up with all of the time, that they go to their x’s house regardless of how you feel about it. In a healthy relationship they care about how you feel and wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt you. I can go on, after nine months I’m finally in a good place. I obviously still think of her, but I have forgiven and am moving on.

I honestly from the bottom of my heart want her to be happy, healthy and be in love with a man that will treat her awesome and give her everything she wants. But, I also know she has to move on from the other guy first and heal, if not, this it will fail too. I wish you the best Patricia Day Mixer, I believe in you, still …