I’m not going to air my dirty laundry here, I want to discuss my journey and how this person has affected my life. I hope to pass on some wisdom and lessons learned.
I don’t know that Tish is a narcissist. I have no proof, before I meet her I didn’t even know what one was, I didn’t know what ghosting or gas lighting was either. Here’s my first piece of advice:
Lesson 1: If you are having problems with the person your dating, in a relationship, boy/girl friend, significant other, etc….
If you are googling or searching for answers about their behavior it’s time to get out. You’ve already gotten to the point where the toxicity has affected you. Please don’t ignore it, your GUT is trying to tell you something. I admittedly ignored it.
I walked away from Tish in April 2017.
In March 2017 I took Tish to see the award winning play, “Kinky Boots” I had never been to a play and I knew she loved them. Prior to that I purchased a bottle of Champagne at her request to celebrate. After the play we headed down to the old Navy Training Center (San Diego) where there was a wine bar. We indulged in various wines, it was glorious. We then wandered around Liberty Station trying samples of food. After that I took her to a beautiful Italian restaurant there and dinner was fabulous. Long story short, we then headed back to her house, she lives or lived with her 26 year old daughter. I don’t know if she lives there anymore, none of my business. She told me I couldn’t come in because her daughter was there (keep in mind that by then Tish and I have been together off and on for almost a year and a half and she had NEVER introduced me to her children or friends).
Lesson 2: After two or three months if that person you have been seeing hasn’t introduced you to anyone there is a good chance, a very good one you are being used. That person is HIDING something and doesn’t want her family and friends to know about you.
So I cant go in the house which I had been on a dozen or more times. We sat in the car talking, she knew I was frustrated at not being allowed in. I had been in the house before when her daughter was there. After a bit she says lets go get a bottle of wine. I’m all for that, LOL, I assumed she wanted it for herself. We get the bottle of wine and I take her back home, she then asks me in for a glass. I was surprised because she had told me earlier no. We go into her home and into her bedroom, open the bottle and drink it. We are also kissing and having a bit of fun too. After we finished the bottle of wine she stands up and tells me I need to now go sleep in off in my car. I was stunned, its about 2am in the morning and very cold outside. And honestly, I had just spent $425.00 on our date. She pointed out that I had no right to expect anything from her regardless of how much money. Ok, point taken, and it’s a valid one. Never give and expect anything back, but here’s the kicker. We had been together off and for almost a year and a half now. At no point did this woman ever pay for anything, never even offered and we were going to four and five star restaurants in town. We would often go out drinking to some very nice places, I bought her gifts and was always very attentive to her wants and needs. However, over the period of time, she NEVER did one thing for me, not one thing, she never gave back into the relationship.
Lesson 3: If you are giving and giving and giving and the person is not reciprocating and I’m not talking about sex, YOU my friend are being used!
So what I got for that $425 date, I got to sleep it off in my car. Am I wrong to be hurt by this behavior? I am always questioning myself on it. I really wanted to show her how much I cared and how fun everything could be, but after a year and a half, all I got was go sleep it off in my car.
I walked away in April after a dinner we had in Mission Valley, yes I paid for it. She asked me, OK what boundary do you want me to abide by? I was taken aback by the question. But, I went along with it, I told her I would like for her to answer my texts and phone calls within lets say 24 hours. I thought that was fair. She agreed. Within a week she had broken that boundary, she had once again disappeared, she was back with her X – boyfriend. To be honest with you, I have NO idea if he was really an X at all, it could have been a new guy or her old boyfriend and they may have never really broken up. She had ghosted me dozen of times, but I always came back.
Lesson 4: If you are being ghosted by the person you are dating, get the hell out! Run and I cant state that enough. That person doesn’t think you are worth thirty seconds of their time. They don’t value you at all. You can be the best person on the planet, but some people will treat you like a doormat.
The previous November 2016 my then 7 year old son was hospitalized twice for pneumonia at children’s hospital here in San Diego. Tish did have somewhat of a relationship with my son. She had meet him several times, she played with him, had breakfast , lunch and dinner with him. She had bought him a gift for the previous Halloween and an advent calendar for Christmas (the irony here is that she never gave me anything). Anyway, I’m at the hospital on my own with my son, I’m scared because he is so sick. I contacted Tish via text and she told me exactly, “Its was NOT her place to get involved,” She bailed on me and my son. My son saw her as his friend, but she couldn’t be there for either of us.
Later on in November 2016 I was diagnosed with Brain Cancer,Grade three, inop. I was shocked and stunned, I was scared and worried. I called Tish and talked to her about it, but she said she couldn’t leave work right then and she needed to give her daughter a ride someplace after work. So, should couldn’t be there for me, she would later tell me she didn’t believe me because I got some of the terminology wrong, which I did, I was freaking out. She bailed out on me when I found out I had cancer. I had to get a note from my doctor prove it to her. But I didn’t get that until January 2017. We did end up spending early December 2016 together at my house. After that she ghosted me again.
Lesson 5: Your friends and significant other have to have your back. They don’t have to be there for your kids but they need to be there for you. When Tish’s daughter went into the hospital in May 2016(Month could be off) I was there for her every step of the way. The guy she was seeing told her it wasn’t his place to help her through it, and that he didn’t want to meet her kids. She came to me and of course I wanted to help. We spent a lot of time together then, I listened to
her, held her, kept her busy, she stayed at my house. Two weeks after her daughter was out of the hospital she went running back to her old boyfriend. In fact, she called me from the restaurant they were at. She told me that she was going home with him and that I had misunderstood her feelings for me. The next day she came over to my house and apologized and stayed for two days.
Lesson 6: Gas Lighting – this is when the other person denies stating what they told you and you know damn well they did. They try to alter the dynamics of the reality to fit their own narrative making you think your crazy, then they talk shit about you to their friends about you. When this happens run run run, I wish I had, but I was blinded by my feeling for her.
Ok there is A LOT more that happened that you just wouldn’t believe LOL…my friends who had a seat front and center for my falling to piece always ask, how can / could you let anyone ever do those things to you. Simple, I loved her and I wanted make sure I did everything I could to make it work.
Lesson 7: Tish was in love with another man the entire time we were seeing each other. He would call and she would come running. He treated her like crap, he was seeing other women on her. Here’s the lesson, Tish NEVER got to know me at one point we were inseparable for two months, but she was still texting him and calling him. He was on her mind 100% of the time, I was NEVER her focus. You cant make anyone see you who for you are if they are in love with someone else, it doesn’t work like that. You have to move on from the person to give the next person that chance, if not it will never work. They also have to cut all ties with their x (not if there are children I get that) but all romantic ties. They cant still be texting them or talking to them and hanging out. First and foremost its disrespectful to you, and if they don’t respect you it will never work.
Since last April 2107 I haven’t dated, I needed to focus on me and fix me. Yes, she broke me but I let her do it. I have to own that.
Why rehash part of this?
Last week an old fried passed from a heart attack, died while surfing and around the same time she had an old friend pass too. Her and I had no contact at all since April. I needed to vent about it, so I sent Tish and email telling her about what happened. Tish had never , well maybe once, responded to any emails in a two years, so I felt I could just vent and feel she had heard me, that’s all I wanted. However, last Tuesday she responded and it was very sweet and heart felt, she explained that one of her friends had passed a week or so ago so she could sympathize with me. It was sweet and I replied in kind. OK, I was fine with that level of contact, it was easy.
If it were only that easy, LOL, that evening around 8pm she sent me a text telling me to sleep well and stupid ME! responded. I empathized with how she felt about losing her friend, then she starts sending me this red hearts telling me how great I am. I said regardless of what happened in the past I would always be there for her as I would anyone, and that’s true I would and I meant it. We talked for a few hours nothing really specific.
The next day I sent her a text to see how she was doing, no reply, I waited until the next day tried again, no reply. I recognized that she was going down the ghosting role again. In that two years she would occasionally text me out of the blue when we were broken up and when I replied back she would ignore me. I wasn’t going to have any of this again and I emailed her and told her so. That I appreciated her email, but she should not be texting me if she wont return them. I put my foot down. I essentially told her that I now recognize that we never dated or were in a relationship over the 1.5 year we were off and on. I was only there when she wanted me to be. I wasn’t going to deal with the silent treatment as some sort of punishment by her. Needless to say a dozen emails went back and forth for four hours. We or I relived the nightmare she put me through.
She has never apologized for any wrongs she did to me, never, she never got to know me, she used the hell out of me that’s for sure.
Folks, Tish really is a good woman, I know that, I think she was lonely, maybe drunk, or both over those two nights this past week. I also think she has issues revolving around who she thinks she is and how her actions define her.
I know she will never apologize to me for cheating on me, ghosting, gas lighting and using me. But, You know I was not totally innocent either, but
I did apologize for my transgressions against her, I told her what they were and that I was wrong and that I was sorry. You know I can only take responsibility for me and I’m ok with that.
This is REALLY more of a commentary on me too. One of the first times Tish and I made love, during it, she could only talk about him, yup during it. Wasn’t that a big enough RED FLAG for me? I honestly thought that if I cared enough, was there for her when the other guy wasn’t, when I was honest and open with her, buying her flowers and gifts. That it would somehow over-ride her feelings for this guy ( I never meet him, I think is first name is James), she said he was Cancer Research Doctor with a PHd that worked out of UCSD Cancer Research Center. I never asked much, I don’t even know if he really exists, it’s entirely possible that she was moving from man to man, I don’t know. I do know the RED FLAGs were there, and I ignored them and that’s on ME.
Lesson 8: Thinking that you will meet the next love of your life while you are still in love with someone else. I think that she believed that if she fell in love with another man, while still dating the one she was in love with, would help her move away from him. Yeah, NO, I return you to lesson 7. You can’t move onto a healthy relationship, until you have moved on from the last one. Take the time to heal and “really” move on.
From February 2016 through April 2017 we were together off and on. It was late November 2016 she finally told me that the only time she was with me, was when she and the other guy were on a break. Once again, I had to look up what a break meant, yes I am that Naïve. I looked it up and asked my female and male friend what they thought it meant. Universally, they all asked how old Tish was, she’s 52, at the time. Each and everyone were astonished that someone of that age was still playing High School games or games that were done in your 20’s. What I learned is that when on a break you are supposed to be re-evaluating your relationship, you come to an agreement of how long that break is going to be and if you are allowed to see other people. Yet, again, I was told by everyone, that breaks don’t work. Mature adults know that you work through the tough times together, that you keep moving forward, if you cant do that what’s the point of a break. Yes, for some people it does work, but overall it’s a nice way to break up with someone, somehow lessoning the pain, it doesn’t it only prolongs it. I have NO idea who called the break between her and the other guy. I do know that once they patched things up, that’s when she would ghost me, per her. For, me that’s just mind boggling, I cant wrap my head around that. Yes, I am male, but I do have feelings, and I did care about her and was there when she needed me. But, to lure someone in while you are on a break and that person you have lured in never told you, and then disappear and not answer text or phone calls. I cant get my head wrapped around that, I cant see how you use someone and discard them.
Lesson 9: If you have to use a break in a relationship, set boundaries, set for how long and if you are allowed to see other people. If you are seeing other people, let them know that you are still with that other guy. Every time she came back she told me they were broken up. Being on a break isn’t broken up. I remember being at a San Diego Aztec game with her and she’s texting him and they are carrying on a full blown conversation, she showed me. I thought it was very disrespectful to me, she eventually stopped. Don’t take breaks, man or woman up and break it off, take time to heal and them move on. Don’t drag anyone into you relationship with the other person. If you two really want to be together you can in the future. Also, odds are the one asking for the break has found someone else and they want to see how it goes before cutting you loose, if it doesn’t work out they come back to you. That’s toxic and that relationship is built on a lie and it going to fail.
OK, after February 2017 is when I really started to fall apart, we had broken up mid January 2017 once again. We ran into each other at the Valentine’s Day Race in Coronado I think the date was February 10 or 11, 2016. We are both avid runners and have several times run into each other. This time we talked for about an hour. A few days later I sent her some flowers at work, she got them according to the florist. Yet, she never said thank you for them. I got very pissed off and that’s when I wrote the first blog which outlined everything she did to me. I only left it up for a day or two, but I made sure everyone saw it. I wanted my side of the story out there. Yes I was being insecure and immature, but also to me fair to me, this is what a narcissists can turn you into. I wanted revenge. To an extent I got it, Tish went ballistic, she’s very VERY concerned about how people see her, she doesn’t want anyone to know what she does, her persona is highly important to her. She literally hunts down any negative messages about her on the internet. She told me that and on hindsight that was another RED FLAG.
The purpose of the first blog was to try and get some of the power back from her that she had taken from me, some sort of control of my life, but I know now that I gave her that power, I gave her that control.
As long as the blog was up she was very attentive towards me, very sweet and kind so I pulled it down, but the threat of it going back up was always there.
She would call me all hours of the day and night complaining about it, my answer was always, well you know I would have had nothing to write about if you hadn’t done those things to me. She never got that, and this is what someone with a personality disorder wouldn’t get, because they cant do anything wrong.
(Once, again I don’t know if she has a disorder of if she was just playing some sort of screwed up game.) Yet, was I now acting any better then her, I literally lowered myself to that level.
Tish would come over to my house yelling at me, throwing stuff at me, hitting me. There was even one time we went for a walk on the beach to talk, she literally jumped up and threw herself on the sand, then said I hit her. People that were around us, to include a sheriff and lifeguard , looked at her like she was crazy, they saw what she did to herself.
She then said ok, she was sorry and would be better, and treat me respectfully. STUPID me! I believed her, after a week she started ghosting me again, Not answering texts or phone calls, So I got new telephone numbers, VOIP, and text her, she responded, I would call, she would answer, so I knew she had lied, once again. HOWEVER, this was bad of me!!!!! I recognized I was really loosing it now, I was getting new telephone numbers to call her. OMG! That isn’t good. I was seriously gone and stopped.
These are the other reasons I finally walked away, I saw that I was losing it, and my behavior was bad. Its not who I am, nor who I want to be.
Lesson 10: There is such a thing as Narcissistic addiction. This is where you have become addicted to the narcissist. You have become so entrenched in them, as long as they continue to treat you bad, you will keep coming back for more. Even the strongest people get drawn into this, once in, you do crazy stuff to try and stay in the toxic relationship. You can get into this passive aggressive frame of mind, your reality has been changed and it’s incredibly difficult to climb out of it.
These are the things about myself that I focused on since last April 2017. I finally forgave her, and sent her an email explaining my journey and apologized for my behavior. Yet, as I have already stated she has never apologized for anything. You know, that’s on her as I have stated, I have made my apologies and I live with the stuff I did everyday. I have my boundaries now set in stone, and I wont let anyone cross them.
I know now that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then be in that type of relationship. It has to be 50/50 – give and take, the person respects you enough to call you back and return your text messages. That they have your back in good times and bad, there is no, “Its not my place”. The other person respects you enough not to text and call their x that they had just broken up with all of the time, that they go to their x’s house regardless of how you feel about it. In a healthy relationship they care about how you feel and wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt you. I can go on, after nine months I’m finally in a good place. I obviously still think of her, but I have forgiven and am moving on.
I honestly from the bottom of my heart want her to be happy, healthy and be in love with a man that will treat her awesome and give her everything she wants. But, I also know she has to move on from the other guy first and heal, if not, this it will fail too. I wish you the best Patricia Day Mixer, I believe in you, still …